a public confession

Over the last week or so, I've had the privilege to vacation in the most beautiful home, on one of the most beautiful beaches, with some of the most beautiful people. I've cried, I've laughed, I've prayed, I've read, I've slept, I've enjoyed, I've wiied, I've footballed, I've tanned, I've sat, I've just plain lived.

Admidst all of that (most of which was quite wonderful...even the tears), I've also introspected. Introspected on the deep, dark parts of my heart. Darkness that's been there all along but never really been identified. It's hard to see it. It's even harder to want to see it. Darkness that I'm not proud of. Darkness that I would love to not have.

The truth is... I am a jealous woman.

Jealous of women that are more beautiful. Jealous of people that are funnier. Jealous of people that tell better stories than me. Jealous of leaders that have more kids following them. Jealous of friends that are in love. Jealous that most people are better at sharing wisdom than me. Jealous that most 28 year old women can name their emotions a lot better than I can. Jealous that I might be the only one in the room that's insecure about this, that or the other. Jealous that everywhere I turn someone has something I want, gets something I pray for, or receives something I hope for. I'm just plain jealous.

Most people would probably never say that I'm a jealous woman. Hell, I wouldn't have until recently. From the outsider's perspective, I'm happy for everybody. I smile. I get excited. I laugh at jokes. I nod to the wise. I compliment. I encourage. I do the things that good Christian women do.

But if I'm honest with myself, I must confess that the motives aren't always coming from a selfless perspective. They're not coming from my heart. They're coming from my head. They're coming from the good Christian woman's mantra... "What I ought to do"

So the fact remains, I am a jealous woman.

And at the core of my jealousy is that I'm holding a slight grudge, not against my friends or even against my enemies. Deep down, my jealousy is actually a grudge against God. My insecurities as a woman, even a precious child and follower of God, come from me wanting something more from Him. Me feeling like he owes me something. Me not believing in my heart that God has been fair to me.

So why a public confession? I want freedom. I want to rid my heart of insecurities. I want to find real happiness. The kind that comes not from the head, but from the heart. Happiness that can come even when someone else is living the dreams, the hopes, and the prayers of my heart. Happiness that removes me of myself.

"There will always be someone who is richer, skinnier, more talented, better connected, or just plain luckier than you. And until you find a way to deal with your jealous heart, you will be unable to follow the most basic of all Christian tenets - to love one another." - Andy Stanley

Remember that time I prayed to be humbled in all things?
To my precious friends - I love you. (sorry this is 29 minutes into Tuesday.)